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A few disjointed thoughts…

20 Jan

On Decisiveness

Michael’s been pretty sick this past week and a half with a doozy of a virus that just won’t quit. It’s left him drained in the evenings, occasionally to comic effect. Yesterday evening when I asked him if he was going to band practice, he gave me this unequivocal answer. “No! Maybe… Yes. I don’t know.” Yes, that actually came out of his mouth.

(He went.) (And played between bouts of coughing.)

On Health

I’ve been wondering for a while if I have hyperthyroidism; there’s some history of it in my family. I have many of the symptoms (irritability, insomnia, fatigue, sweating, increased appetite… and did I mention irritability?) but don’t have many others (intolerance to heat, hair loss, weight loss…). I had a doctor’s checkup yesterday (you know, that yearly thing we ladies need to do) but the doctor was running a bit late so there wasn’t time to discuss signs and symptoms of hyperthyroidism, as I hadn’t done any research before going.  The only thing I already knew about hyperthyroidism is that it can make one irritable.  (Theme? What theme?)

Last night, I wondered if I should call the doctor to ask about adding a thyroid function test to the routine bloodwork he was sending me for.  When I looked at the lab requisition, guess what was already checked off? “Suspected thyroid disease, not yet diagnosed.” So, was that just a coincidence, or did the doctor notice something he didn’t mention to me? Either way, kinda freaky.

On Cold Weather

It’s been a deep freeze around here all week, with temps dropping down between -35 and -40 °C. Yesterday, I was driving home along Robert Service Drive, which runs along the Yukon River, in the semi-twilight. The sky was a beautiful dark blue, and one star (actually, I suspect it was a planet…  I don’t know enough about these things) shone brightly directly above the cliffs. The road was perfectly clear, but above the river, the ice fog rose up straight and still. Looking out the driver’s window, my eyes hit that thick fog and gave me the feeling of driving next to a wall, most jarring when one expects to look out across the water. Very eerie and very cool at the same time.

On Improvising Crafts

Halia is on a painting kick.  I have a plastic egg carton that I use to portion out small amounts of tempera paint and she goes to town on a stack of scrap paper.  Last week, I had no yellow left and was running low on red, so we improvised. I had a jar of ModPodge and figured it was a good “white base” with the right consistency. So I filled three egg compartments halfway with ModPodge and let Halia mix drops of food-colouring in. This is great for working those hand muscles AND for a counting exercise. (No more than TWO drops, Halia. No, I said TWO. THAT was four.) Then a Q-Tip in each compartment for mixing, and we had beautiful colours that dry to a glossy finish.  The only problem with it is that the pages DO get sticky. And ModPodge doesn’t easily wash out of clothes once its dried, so smock up the kids!

On Being a Special-Needs Mom

None of us has enough hours in the day. I don’t care how simple your life is, these days we’re very good at filling up every minute with stuff we “have to” do.  Sometimes I have to stop to remind myself that it is literally impossible to do it all. Yes, I would love for the dishes be done every night, the beds made every morning, and the laundry folded and put away every afternoon, but the only way I could accomplish that would be to give up on everything that makes my life exciting.

Now, Jade does have special needs. But she’s loving school so much and growing intellectually by leaps and bounds, and besides that, one day we’ll be able to wean her off the keto diet, so I feel there’s nothing for me to complain about. But sometimes, I have to stop to remind myself that there is extra work involved. I don’t just mean preparing her meals and snacks. On good days, I can make three meals and two snacks for her in about half an hour. When it’s suppertime, assuming I have the ingredients on-hand, I can make her meal in about five minutes.

But there’s other stuff. Like dragging her to audiologist and ENT appointments that start three hours after they’re scheduled.  Doing paperwork to get funding for some respite, or to cover the few medications she’s on (all of them for combatting side-effects of the keto diet). Spending literally seven hours trying to get a prescription for antibiotics to combat an ear infection, because the antibiotics must contain fewer than 100 milligrams of carbohydrate over the course of the day. And then there’s the occupational therapy activities we’re supposed to do every day. Balance, hand strength, core strength… How do you fit that in between the end of school, downtime, and making supper?  Even if it’s just for 15 minutes? I don’t, that’s how.

On Succinctness

Yep, this post isn’t it. Whoops. Didn’t mean to ramble on so. Look, I can’t even stop when I’m talking about being succinct.

Pull my, er….

2 Jan

A few years ago, my mother sent us a handful of these fun nutcracker tree ornaments.  I look forward to hanging them on the tree every year. The soldier-shaped nutcracker is such a “Christmas” thing for me, and of course it’s fun for the kids to pull the string and make these little guys dance.

This Christmas, both girls have been obsessed with all things nutcracker, since they both got to watch the local production of “The Nutcracker” ballet. That made me extra excited to hang these guys, knowing how much the kids would enjoy playing with them.

Tree-decorating was somewhat chaotic, with my two girls, their 11-month-old cousin, plus our four-year-old neighbour all in the fray.  But for the adults, it all came to a momentary standstill when Halia pointed at one of the nutcrackers and asked, “Is this his penis?”

She paused, looked at me, grabbed the string, and asked, “Can I pull it?”

That year-in-review thing

31 Dec

I’ve been trying to hold onto the holidays. Dishes have been languishing, laundry (mostly clean, but still) has been piling up. I’ve let a lot of things slide over the holidays: our strict daily schedule, playing music, any kind of caloric restraint, not to mention blogging, but that’s not a new thing this year, is it?  My sister and her hubby and their adorable babe have been visiting, and I’m sure my sister thinks I’m the laziest homemaker on the planet.

It’s not really possible to be on full holiday mode as a mom, of course. The mornings are still early, the meals still must be prepared. We have been eating well. And we’ve had a wonderful time visiting; talking late, playing cribbage, rummoli, and even a round of The Game of Life. Halia has been trying to get her fill of hugging and kissing her little cousin.  Michael even took Uncle Mikey bison hunting.  They just missed the bison, but they got some great stories, and we got some bison steaks at the Super A and grilled them up tonight.

In the German tradition, there are jelly donuts (Berliners) awaiting me. Nem is offering me a Boston Cream, and I’ve got to wrap up before the next round of crib starts.  Below, my traditional end-of-year summary, comprised of the first sentence of my first post of each month. I know I’ve been a hit-and-miss blogger this year, so I guess I shouldn’t be shocked that I missed the entire month of August.  I guess that’s what happens when there’s so much living to do.

January: It’s a shameful almost-secret that once upon a time, in the dark ages of the blogosphere, I started my blogging career at MSN LiveSpaces.

February: I wanted to tell you about Jade’s fabulous birthday party, but we all had such a good time that we totally crashed and burned the next day.

March: My throat is sore, I’m tired, and I’m vaguely achy in my joints.

April: I have news.

May: I just got Halia to bed.

June: There are so many awesome things going on in my life right now, but I’m spending a disproportionate amount of time feeling anxious and overwhelmed.

July: I’m in Ottawa.

August: (Gasp! I made NO blog posts in the whole month of August.)

September: I went to The Medicine Chest yesterday morning to have a prescription for Famiciclovir filled.

October: It’s noon and I’m still in pajamas.

November: Tonight is the final rehearsal for the concert I’m giving at the Old Fire Hall on Thursday.

December: It’s midnight.

It’s been a pretty great year overall, a year of big changes for me. I’m proud of myself for deciding to give up my government job (and grateful to Michael for supporting me) and for taking big steps with my music.  I’m looking forward to 2012 with lots of excitement and anticipation, and I am wishing you the same joy, with many blessings to come.  Happy New Year!

Sweeter than sugar

8 Dec

It’s midnight.  I am putting away the ingredients I was using to pack Jade’s lunch for school tomorrow.  Michael appears at the top of the stairs.

“Halia’s awake,” he says. “She wants you to come give her a kiss.”

“Okay,” I say, and quickly gather a few more things to stash in the fridge, just in case I am detained in Halia’s room.

When I arrive, I peer into her dim room.  She is lying still, breathing softly, blankets tucked up around her shoulders, eyes closed.  She’s already fallen asleep again,  I think, but I’ll kiss her, since a kiss is what she wanted.  I bend over her bed, kiss the peach-fuzz cheek, nose tickled by silky strands of wayward hair.

Her eyes flutter, just barely, and a tiny voice, heavy with sleep, escapes her lips.

“Thank you, Mama.”

And here is another pearl of motherhood, a moment I would love to capture, to save up in a bottle.  I’d have it in my coffee every morning, and savour that feeling all day.

Waiting for the party

13 Nov

Halia turned three on Friday and we had a lovely day together as a family, with Michael returning home from a week away that afternoon.  She was old enough to ask for a party this year, so we hosted that today.  There was a balloon forest, a clown, chocolate cupcakes with pink frosting (gluten-free and vegan, and absolutely delicious, natch), dancing, giggling, and balloon sword fights.

There are days when the girls are at each others’ throats all day long.  And there are days where they are inseparable best of friends.  Here’s what they were doing today while waiting for the first party guests to arrive.  It might be a bit long for those of us used to 30-second clips, but the whole thing makes me smile.

I didn’t know Michael was filming, or I’d have stopped putting dishes away.  No, I wouldn’t, but I’d have been quieter about it.  Oh, and it was Jade who put The Four Seasons in the CD player, by the way.

That kind of day

31 Oct

The house is a disaster.  As usual.  I had to go downtown with Halia to pick up receipts from seven restaurants at which I helped organize music for last week’s BreakOut West weekend.  But first I had to drop off some paperwork at an office, then duck into Home Hardware to get some red tape to finish off Jade’s clown shoes.  The cashier gave Halia a green sucker.  I hesitated, recalling the chocolate mousie fiasco, but I hate having to say no all the time.

I buckled and unbuckled Halia, then did it again.  And then again.  One cafe couldn’t find the receipts right away so I bought a macaroon as a treat to share with Halia while we waited.  After I got it, the server said, “Oh, it’s not vegan like I thought.  There’s dairy in it.”  Too late, I had already bought it.  Halia had to go pee (of course) so we rushed to the bathroom, me stressed out that my parking meter was going to run out.

We stopped to give a busker a twoonie and he smiled and gave Halia a bag of Cheetos.  I let her have a few before I realized they have wheat AND dairy in them.  Argh.

Back at the van, I breathed a sigh of relief that there was no ticket, as the meter had run out a couple of minutes earlier.  I plugged the meter and we ran down for a 5-minute visit to Arts Underground.  It’s the last day of my friend Jesse’s art installation there and I hadn’t had a chance to see it yet.  It was a quick visit because I still had restaurants to get to and had to run home before Jade’s school bus arrived.  I was glad I got a chance to see it, though.

I let Halia have a 30-second ride (for 10 cents!) on the mechanical horse.  She loved it.  Then it was back into the van.  But what was this?  A $25 parking ticket!  There were still 7 minutes left on the meter.  Furious, I re-buckled Halia and we drove over to City Hall to make a complaint.

The gal there couldn’t do anything, but put me on the phone with bylaw so I could talk to them.  The bylaw receptionist said she’d get the bylaw officer to call me when he got back to the office.

I had to skip the rest of the restaurants because Jade’s school bus was heading for home.  I stewed about the ticket on the way home.

At a red light, I looked at the ticket again and realized the time on it was 2:50 p.m.  2:50 p.m.?  That meant I got the parking ticket between the first time I plugged the meter in the second, in the five or so minutes that the meter had expired.  I just hadn’t seen the ticket on the window when I put the next quarter in.

The worst feeling, when you’ve been righteously angry and indignant at someone, is the realization that the only person you have to blame is yourself.  Or at least, the almost-three-year-old whose bladder needed emptying at an inopportune time.

*sigh*

I’m still waiting for the bylaw officer to phone me back.  I guess I’ll have to serve up the humble pie.  It goes well with Halloween treats, doesn’t it?

What I did today instead of blogging

27 Oct
  • Got Jade dressed, fed, and over to the next neighbourhood to catch the school bus.
  • Took Halia for two vaccines at the Health Clinic.
  • Took Halia out for lunch as a treat for being so good at having her shots.
  • Gave her four tiny bites of a coveted “chocolate mousie”.
  • Lived to regret it.
  • Picked Jade up from school during recess to take her to the audiologist.  Again.
  • Found out her left ear tube is still plugged up with ear wax.
  • Negotiated with Jade about not going back to school.
  • Went to a meeting at the MusicYukon office and attempted to keep Halia from disrupting someone else’s phone meeting while discussing invoicing and project evaluation.
  • Cooked supper.
  • Put the kids to bed solo, as it’s band night for Michael
  • Helped a neighbour stack his woodpile.
  • Packed Jade’s keto lunch and snacks and scrapers and tiny forks and straw and juice plus got breakfast ready to go.  (This kills me every night.  Why don’t I do this during the day?)
  • Sent two invoices for projects I’ve been working on.
  • Wonder why the heck I am writing this boring laundry list post.

At least I can see where the day goes…

The music fills my life

25 Oct

It’s noon and I’m still in pajamas.  Jade is at school.  Halia smells of blueberry shampoo.  I’m thinking about my rehearsal tonight, the gala dinner I’m playing music for tomorrow, the piano students I’ll be teaching right before that, the logistics of getting changed and over to the venue, the e-mails I have to send about the music showcases I organized last week…

When I quit my job in June, I was looking forward to a more balanced life.  One where I could feel like I was doing a good job as a mother, but still have time to develop myself as a musician.

Blogging has taken a backseat because in the wake of shedding my employed life, a thousand music-related things have rushed in.  I have never played so many gigs, attended so many workshops, organized so many shows, as I have in the past three months.

I’m not complaining, I’m just sort of stunned.

As I’ve been telling friends, I apparently still need to learn how to say no once in a while.  I thought quitting my job was a huge “NO” to things that fill up my life, but I’m learning there are still NOs I need to say.  I’m so excited to have all this good stuff happening to me, but still need to realize I can’t do it all.  And after attending the BreakOut West conference this past weekend (Read about it here on my new music blog.  As an aside, I feel like I have to find a new voice for that…) I am feeling I need to pick up the blogging ball again.  I’ve missed it, you know.

So, raise your cup (coffee for me) and let’s drink to the idea of finding balance, finding the “right” mix of music and mothering.  I might never achieve it, but I’ll give it my darndest.

Moving right along

27 Sep

I went to The Medicine Chest yesterday morning to have a prescription for Famiciclovir filled.  It took a few minutes, as these things do, and when it was ready, the pharmacist called me over.  I love our pharmacy.  The pharmacists really go above and beyond.  But it is rather difficult to have a private conversation at their counter.

“Okay,” she said.  ”This is an anti-viral drug.  It’s used to treat viral infections like cold sores.”

“Or shingles,” I said, since that is what I need treatment for.

“Right,” she said quickly, as if she wanted to pass right to the next point of discussion.  ”That too.”

It was only after I got home and started reading the medical information insert that I realized the other disease the drug is most often used to treat, besides shingles, is genital herpes.

Well, hunh.  I can see why the pharmacist didn’t want to bring that up.

Let me also add that, although I can’t tell you from personal experience, I bet genital herpes is no walk in the park.  But I can tell you, unequivocally, that shingles totally suck.

Perspective

29 Jul

It has been a hectic week.  Four of the five suitcases from our trip are still sitting, unpacked, on the basement floor.  I’ve spent a total of about 16 hours in the recording studio, which has been thrilling and exhausting at the same time.  Jade has been attending music camp for three quarters of an hour every morning, the sessions being just short enough that it doesn’t make sense to try to run errands as they unfold.

A few days after we got back, Halia came down with a fever and some kind of stomach bug and I got to reacquaint myself with the art of catching vomit with whatever happens to be available.  On top of that, she is in the throes of exploring preschooler independence, which manifests itself in saying mean things to Jade (which makes Jade cry), selective listening, tantrums, and teenageresque expressiveness.

“Halia, get off my chair,” I might say.

“Okaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy,” she’ll drawl back, her voice implying the rolling eyes she has not yet learned to do.

She’s a challenge for sure, and she tests my patience daily.  Hourly.

This morning I was thinking back to what Jade was like at this same age.  That puts us back in September of 2008, a time I try not to think too much about.  That was a month before Jade started on the ketogenic diet, a time where her seizures were getting progressively worse, the last month we had her in daycare before her seizures became so severe it was no longer safe to send her there.

I remember hearing friends bemoaning their children’s behaviour, who were doing exactly the same kinds of things Halia is doing now.  I remember thinking, “I would take those challenges over what Jade is going through.  Any day.”  I remember wishing I could complain about the same mundane things.

And here I am.  It’s exhausting, yes, but oh my… Right at this moment, I feel so damn lucky.

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