Enough to make you cry

12 Mar
As dictated by my age and stage of life, the wedding phase is petering out, and now it’s on to the adventure; to wit, I have several pregnant friends at the moment.
All I want to say today is that kids make you cry.
Sometimes the tears are from the sheer joy and amazement of having such a miracle in your life.  Sometimes, it’s exhaustion and despair, when all you want to do is to sleep.  Sometimes, you want to cry out of pride, as Michael wanted to do last week after we transferred Jade out of her high chair and into a booster seat, and she sat at our big table like a little adult, attempting to use a spoon to eat her food.  And sometimes, you want to cry out of fear.
Discovering Jade had a hernia and required surgery was pretty stressful, but somehow I managed to stay pretty calm through it all.  But this morning I realized that Jade has developed a very unpleasant condition that might also require surgery.  I actually took her to Emergency yesterday and the doctor made an educated guess as to what she might have (without being able to actually see anything, since the condition is only visible when she’s straining to have a bowel movement, which of course she didn’t do while we were there).  This morning I looked up the condition he had named, and the symptoms didn’t quite match, but it led me in the right direction to figure out what I think she does have.  (So thank you, Dr. Chau!)
This afternoon, I called Dr. Patel’s office to get an appointment, which is booked for 2:15 tomorrow afternoon.  We may need to see a pediatrician or even a surgeon, and having to wait even one day makes me nervous.  From the doctor’s comments and my web research, I am told that Jade’s condition is not life-threatening, but it’s not much of a consolation.  My mind runs in circles… What if she got this because of her ongoing diarrhea and what if it’s caused by a milk intolerance, which would mean that I didn’t identify the problem for over a month?  Why didn’t I call the doctor first thing in the morning, when I might have gotten an appointment on the same day?  Will the diaper rash ever go away?  What if this is just a symptom of a bigger problem?  Should I be checking on her in the night to make sure she’s okay?
I can’t stand seeing Jade having so much pain and discomfort, but whenever she starts straining again I have to tell myself to stay calm and be comforting — otherwise, I’m sure my fear will just rub off on her.  But all of this (and Michael being sick through it all, too) has me totally on edge.
It sure doesn’t help that I’ve been obssessively washing my hands even more than usual (which was already a lot) because I’m paranoid about catching the stomach bug that’s been going around and that has Michael in its grip (and which I’ve already had, but given my track record since February, I’m sure I could get it all over again).  So my hands are all dry and chapped.  Just you try to be cheerful with chapped hands.*
*That’s me, being silly in a feeble attempt to keep things in perspective.

One Response to “Enough to make you cry”

  1. Nemmy March 14, 2007 at 5:31 am #


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