Fear

21 Nov
Two days after Nem’s wedding, I made an unpleasant discovery while in the bathroom, one of those things you never want to see when you’re in the early stages of pregnancy.  It’s been a week since that day, and although I’ve had reassuarance from Internet research and from a friend at the wedding who happens to be a doctor, the "spotting" has gradually turned into more of a slow flow.
 
Up until today, I’ve managed to worry just a little, to stay fairly numb and detached.  But I made a doctor’s appointment, and when I went this afternoon, I broke down in tears as I acknowledged the possibility of miscarriage.
 
Based on the description of my symptoms, Dr. Patel doesn’t think it sounds like I am miscarrying.  But when I asked what the symptoms were, he said more bleeding and stronger cramps, which isn’t very reassuring, given that I rarely feel cramps.  Hell, when I was in labour with Jade, I dilated 4 cm without even really feeling it.  And, even as he said it, it was as if the cramps were starting to come.
 
We did another urine test, which came back positive, though I don’t know how reassured I should be, since hCG hormone can stick around for several weeks after a miscarriage.
 
We’re taking a "wait and see" approach for now.  Dr. Patel tells me to rest (ha!) and if I believe in God or meditation, well, basically to do whatever helps.  The truth is, though, that I’m not feeling much hope at all at the moment. 
 
I know this is why most people don’t like to announce a pregnancy until the second trimester, but I’m no good at keeping quiet about myself.  I don’t want to say what I will do on the next time around, though.  I guess part of me is still hoping that THIS time isn’t over yet.
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One Response to “Fear”

  1. Lindsay November 22, 2007 at 5:34 am #

    You are in our thoughts, day and night. Sending oodles of love and support your way.

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