Emptiness

28 Nov
Please note that there may be details in this post that some people won’t want to read.  If you’re the type to cry "TMI!" over some honesty, then stop reading now.
 
I came home from work a little bit early yesterday because I could feel the flow of blood increasing and was starting to get cramps.  Michael and Tim came down to pick me up, then Michael ran into the bank and then we went to get Jade.  All in all it didn’t take long, but it seemed like forever, since all I wanted was to get into bed.  I took the precaution of putting a couple of towels under me before I lay down.  I thought if this was it, it might be messy.
 
From the time I lay down to the time Michael had supper ready, I had bled more than I had all weekend.  I debated going to the hospital, which had been suggested earlier in the day by the woman at the medical imaging lab when I’d called to see if I could get an earlier ultrasound appointment.  She told me that there was no technician in Whitehorse until Friday, but said if my bleeding got heavier to go to Emergency.  When I asked what they would do for me there, she said they would check fluid levels and stuff.  I don’t know what fluid levels they would check, given the early stage of pregnancy.  There’s nothing anyone can do to stop a miscarriage at this point, and I figured if it was going to happen, I’d rather be at home, even if I did have to clean up the mess.
 
Anyway, I spent the evening watching a movie and trying to get an overtired Jade to go to sleep, while Michael puttered around doing laundry and packing his bags, as he left early this morning to go south to retrieve the replacement vehicle he bought down there.  I went to sleep crying because I was having cramps.  It didn’t hurt, but every time I felt my insides contracting I wanted to shout, "Stop!"  I just didn’t want the pregnancy to be over.
 
Tim picked Michael up at 7:00 this morning, and I got up to get Jade ready for daycare.  From the moment I got up, I knew everything would be over soon.  There was some more cramping and a lot more blood.  (If you’ve landed here because you’re looking for stories of miscarriage, don’t worry.  There was no gushing, or anything, it wasn’t that intense.  It was controllable with pads, but I’ve never seen the water in the toilet bowl get so red.)  Selfishly, all I wanted was to get rid of Jade so that I could be alone.
 
My biggest fear was that the baby had developed to a point where I would be able to see it… and that I’d miss it.  I hated the thought of that little start of a human being getting flushed down the toilet or washed away in the shower.  I felt that if there was enough baby to see, I’d want to, I don’t know, have a little burial ceremony somewhere or something.
 
While I was getting Jade ready, I felt something happen.  Some tissue had passed out of me that was definitely more than a blood clot.  Nothing that looked like it could have been a baby, so I suppose it was the developing placenta or amniotic sac.  (Jade saw me looking at it and said, "Ewww!" which at least gave me a little chuckle.)I’m guessing that this means whatever baby there was was too small to see.  It makes me wonder how far he got before he died.
 
Anyway, my best guess is that the worst of the physical stuff is over.  I suppose I’ll keep bleeding for a while.  And leaking tears at sporadic intervals, too.  I know miscarriage happens to a lot of women, but it still seems so unfair.  To the women who have e-mailed me over the past two weeks in support, thank you again.  Especially to the women who have shared their stories of miscarriage with me, thank you.
 
Now just one more thing.  I don’t want to hear anyone tell me that "it was meant to be".  I don’t want to hear that "there must have been a reason".  I don’t want to hear "don’t worry, you’ll have another one".  Don’t say "you’ll have fun trying again" (ha! – spoken like someone who’s never worked at it).  Most of these things have not been said to me, but many of the women who told me their stories heard them, and it doesn’t help.  No matter if there was a reason or if there will be other babies, this baby was real from the moment he was conceived and losing this baby is what matters right now.
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One Response to “Emptiness”

  1. Charmaine November 28, 2007 at 12:08 pm #

    I was always hoping you would be fine this time. I know nothing I can say to make you feel better now. Just let us know if there is anything we can do to help. Get well soon!

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