Perspective

30 Nov
Wow, you guys are amazing.  I’ve had so many messages of love and support over the last few days, and you can’t know how much it has meant to me.  I actually already feel a whole lot better, which kind of worries me, because shouldn’t I still be crying buckets?  I guess there will probably be ups and downs, but I’m really very surprised at how accepting I feel already.  In fact, a friend of mind told me she thought she might be pregnant, and instead of feeling hugely envious (as I was in the months when we were trying to get pregnant) I was just thrilled for her.
 
There are a number of things that are helping me to feel fairly peaceful today.  For one, I had really been mentally preparing for bad news for a couple of weeks, not really believing everything was okay.  I had been reading about the baby’s development in my pregnancy journal every day (dang, that thing cost 25 bucks!) but not believing it was actually happening inside me — and it wasn’t. 
 
One of the things I had been most anxious about was that I wanted my kids to be close in age, and had this baby lived, they would already have been 2.5 years apart (compared to 16 months for me and my sis).  Linsday pointed out to me that there are three years between her and Tim, and they’re actually quite close.  Same goes for my mom and her sister.  So that makes me feel better about whatever age gap.
 
And then there are the stories of loss from friends; sharing really does make the pain easier to bear.  And some of the things I’ve learned actually make me feel that I’ve been lucky in a lot of ways.  For one thing, although I felt like I’d been pregnant a while because I learned of it so early on, I was barely at 8 weeks (that’s 6 weeks from conception), while quite a few friends lost their babies in their third month.  One friend miscarried even later than that and is still haunted by it over three years and two kids later.  The longer the pregnancy goes on, the more emotional investment there is in it.  Well, that doesn’t sound quite right, but every day you dream a few more dreams and become that much more attached to them.  And having the miscarriage happen sooner could mean we get to try again sooner as well. 
 
A number of friends got pregnant again within 4 months of their miscarriages and had healthy babies — that’s not so long to wait.  Not that that’s when it’ll necessarily happen again for us, but it’s a comfort.  It might even be easier for me now to be a little more relaxed about trying to get pregnant, rather than watching anxiously for all the signs of the right moment to conceive.  (Sorry, Michael, I can’t guarantee I’ll stay relaxed!)
 
Another big help is that I have Jade.  Not only is she the light of my life, but she’s also proof that I can have children.  I can only imagine how scary it would be to have a miscarriage on my first pregnancy, to have the pain of losing a baby on top of the fear that I might never have children.
 
Finally, I went and had that ultrasound appointment today.  The only bad part of it was that my appointment was set for 1:00, but I didn’t get in until 1:30.  I swear, this should be made illegal.  The agony of my bladder being that full is indescribable.  I don’t know if it’s the fact that I had to drink the 1L of water with my lunch, but I didn’t feel nearly this bad when I the ultrasound for Jade, and I was 18 weeks pregnant then!  Before getting into the appointment, I actually went to the toilet twice to "let out just a little", as the nurse put it, because I couldn’t stand it.  Even still, the ultrasound technician said, "Yup, you’re pretty full."  And got me to go to the bathroom and let out about half of it.  ("I know it’s hard to judge," she said, "so try counting to 10, and then stop."  Have you ever had a pee where you could’ve counted past 10?!)  What a relief!  The technician was very open; she said she’d send the pics to the radiologist and I could confirm with the doc next week, but as far as she could tell my uterus looked pretty empty and clean.  So I think I’ll be off the hook for a D&C, which is my final reason to feel grateful.
 
I’m not saying that I’m "over it".  It’s still sad to have lost a baby.  But since it had to happen, I’m grateful that it happened, in a sense, in the best possible way.  And, like many women who have had a miscarriage, I like to think that I now have a little angel in heaven, waiting just for me.
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