Up days and down days

18 Dec
As predicted, there have definitely been some emotional ups and downs in the weeks since the miscarriage.  Some days I’m distracted and busy and don’t have much time to think, and others I start mulling and mooning and get downright melancholy.  I even had another good cry with Michael the other night (that is to say, I did the crying) which was something we hadn’t had a chance to do since he was away when it happened.
I’m finding that the happenings of the day have a huge impact on my mood, so if I have a rotten day at work or if I’m feeling left out of some social thing or whatever, then I get to feeling sorry for myself.  I’m not saying that feeling sad about the miscarriage is the same as feeling sorry for myself – as one friend said, if I don’t mourn this baby, who will?  It’s just that these days I’m feeling more sensitive about the small obstacles and disappointments of everyday life.
On the other hand, a really good day can do just the opposite, and it’s good effects can last a long time.  Yesterday was a day like that.  Forgive me while I tell you how it went.  After a very brief early-morning wake-up, Jade and I ended up sleeping in until 9:30. Amanda called me as I was eating breakfast and invited us to go sliding behind her house, and to have lunch with her afterward.  I ran some errands while Jade napped in the afternoon.  We now have a goose for our Christmas dinner – hooray!  And I got a stove element to replace our melted one* so we’ll actually be able to cook the goose – yay!  Then, out of embarassment at how many times Tim has seen our kitchen in disarray, I got all the dishes in the kitchen cleaned up while Jade built whole cities with her Mega Bloks.  (Does anyone besides a mom of small children get so excited about a clean kitchen?  And why isn’t guilt always such a good motivator?)
But the best part of the day was the music.  I had a Christmas mass choir rehearsal at 6:30, and then a Big Band rehearsal at 7:30.  The Big Band rehearsal had me so pumped up and hyper by the end of it that I’m still feeling it today.  It started out as a pretty normal rehearsal, but at the end, I (finally!) got a chance to try singing with the band.  It felt fabulous!  The first song I tried was "A Day in the Life of a Fool" and I had a false start, but after I found my place I really got into it and I guess I made up for my fumble.  The rest of the band actually clapped when we finished the piece.  Sorry, I know I’m bragging just a wee bit now, but it was a huge rush for me!
So I’m still floating on a cloud of happiness, even though it was a bit rough getting everyone out the door this morning.  The gas light came on, so I had to stop to fill up, even though I knew it would make me late for work.  And then when I got Jade to the daycare, I realized that since we had put boots on her this very cold morning, she had no shoes for the day (and had very slippery fuzzy socks). Also that Michael had used an "all-in-one" cloth diaper on her, which made the cloth diapers in her daycare bag useless, since it’s a bad idea to use cloth diapers with no cover.
On other days, these small hurdles might have had me in an all-day funk.  Instead, I’m on a high that is making me feel like Christmas is just around the corner.
*it malfunctioned when Michael tried to bake some pies the other night – neither Michael’s nor the pies’ fault

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