It’s Not This

30 May

Yesterday I sang in celebration.

Yukon Women in Music is an amazing volunteer-run society that supports women musicians.  Many of my public performances in Whitehorse have been at concerts organized by YWIM, and I’ve met some wonderful and inspiring musicians.  Last night, at a concert to mark 10 years as an official not-for-profit society, I was honoured to be asked to perform two of my songs, sharing the stage with about a dozen other women.  The room was jam-packed, both on-stage and off.

One of my favourite moments was listening to Nicole Edwards speak about starting to perform ten years ago, and how she didn’t think she could be a performer in her own right, without a band to back her up.  I could really identify with her story; in so many ways I feel like I am standing at an edge right now, realizing that I could do so much more and that the biggest obstacle I have to overcome is fear.

My least favourite moment was definitely the part where I fell off the stage. I was exchanging spots with another performer who needed the piano.  I sat down, perhaps a bit too jauntily, on a chair whose legs were precariously close to the back edge of the stage.  Thank goodness the stage was a mere 12-inches high, although I wasn’t thinking anything like that as the chair plunged backwards with me in it.  The small of my back painfully took the brunt of my fall while my head slammed into a cabinet.  I lay stunned for a while, wedged between the stage and the wall, my legs dangling awkwardly over the front of the chair.  I’m sure the entire room wanted to run over to pick me up.  I kind of wished the floor would swallow me up.

Anyway, the show must go on, and on it went.  And there really was fabulous music.  And I recovered enough to do my second song, which I wrote last month and have been waiting to post here.

A bit of background on the song: my dear friend Shannon came to visit us several years ago, and we spent many days in long and deep conversation.  During one gab-fest in which we were talking about a relationship she had ended, she made a comment that has stuck with me ever since.  “Some things that are said a relationship can never recover from,” she told me.  “They’re just too damaging.”  I’ve often thought about that insightful remark, and I think it has kept me from saying rash things in the heat of argument.

Last month her idea somehow transformed itself into the lyrics for this song, and its first public performance was at last night’s concert.

One of the ladies in the audience was kind enough to operate the camera for me.  Onstage with me are Lisa Turner (playing the brushes on her cajón — another favourite moment, with some of the ladies joining in!), Brenda Berezan, Kim Rogers, and off-camera Susan Phillips was strumming along, too.

It’s Not This

I believe in honesty
They say the truth will set you free
But you can’t take those words back
Once you say them
What in this moment might be true
May change before the day is through
If those feelings aren’t there now
Should you fake them?

I don’t know just what it is I want
I don’t know just what it is you need
I don’t know just what it is I’m hoping for
But it’s not this

I believe we should be kind
If we did that then we might find
Every one of us would feel
Less neglected
But we can’t seem to get it right
And every day’s an uphill fight
This isn’t what I hoped for
Or expected



Knowing me and knowing you
Can we see the storm clouds through?
Or should we say we’ll just walk away
And call it all a day?

I believe in compromise
A little loss is sometimes wise
So together we can win
And have it all.
But how much loss can one girl take
Before she knows it’s a mistake
And knows that in the end
She’s going to fall?


Music and lyrics by Fawn Fritzen, April 2010.  All rights reserved.

14 Responses to “It’s Not This”

  1. Opa May 31, 2010 at 12:25 am #

    Beautiful Fawny, though an uncharacteristically “down” tenor, ending on questions rather than answers. Watch your fan club to start psychoanalyzing 🙂

    I would contest Shannon’s premise, though. Time and will can do amazing things. Yasser Arafat was the devil incarnate in the 70’s in Western media – by ’94 he received the Nobel Peace Prize.

    • fawnahareo May 31, 2010 at 8:42 am #

      Hmmm, not sure if it’s truly uncharacteristic. That first song I wrote in 2008 was also full of questions and no answers. I certainly don’t claim to have all the answers. Or any, for that matter. 🙂

      I don’t think your example really refutes Shannon’s observation, since you’re talking about an entirely different kind of relationship. And while it’s true that time can also heal some nasty wounds in personal one-on-one relationships, both parties have to be willing to forgive. Besides that, everyone has certain weaknesses and insecurities; if the spouse is willing to exploit those in an argument, that can be particularly damaging and cruel. Each individual decides for him/herself what is forgivable and what isn’t.

      I’m not saying this is a law of nature, but I still think it’s good advice. If I am willing to check myself and not say the cruellest most cutting thing I can think of just because I’m angry, that can only do both of us good. Abe Lincoln had the right idea, I think; as I recall, if he wrote a letter in anger, he would put it away in a drawer and look at it again when he felt calmer… and usually tore it up.

  2. Laurie May 31, 2010 at 4:47 am #

    I’m speechless. That was one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. You have a voice unparalleled, and your piano composition is unreal. I wish I lived in Whitehorse. I wish you had a cd I could buy. You amaze me. I think I might have a case of hero worship – you are an all-around amazing woman. More, please. Wow. (Wait, I thought I said I was speechless… guess not!)

    • fawnahareo May 31, 2010 at 8:45 am #

      Oh Laurie! I’m blushing like mad. 🙂 I’m thinking a CD project is going one of my goals for the next two or three years. Hope you can hang on that long!

  3. Brigindo May 31, 2010 at 6:42 am #

    Absolutely lovely…the song and your voice.

  4. Susan H. May 31, 2010 at 9:09 am #

    Fabulous Fawn, once again you have a hit. I am impatiently awaiting your CD.

  5. Bubblybunny May 31, 2010 at 3:26 pm #

    Beautiful song. 🙂 I enjoyed it very much. Thanks for sharing.

  6. Catherine Forest May 31, 2010 at 4:22 pm #

    It’s beautiful Fawn! You have such a gorgeous voice! What you say in your song is so very true!

  7. taibhsearachd May 31, 2010 at 5:26 pm #

    Hi Fawn. Your comments about fear reminded me of something from Nelson Mandela’s Freedom speech. He said:

    Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. As we let our Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

    Something to think about.

  8. Shannon Mac June 1, 2010 at 7:38 pm #

    i am still blown away by the fact that i inspired your song, fawn. perhaps it is because i feel like it may have been myself i was talking about. i think i let hurtful things said to me roll off my back fairly well if said in an argument for example, but i have experiences of saying mean things to others where they were unable to shake off what i said, even after i sincerely apologized because i didn’t mean what i said.

    meanwhile, i just sent your song to my friend deb. this song is most definitely about her and about things she told me just this morning, if you can even believe it. but her experience is that her husband says hurtful things to her over and over again, and she remembers it all, line for line. he doesn’t really ever apologize or take it back, but in a way, he is like me, in that mean things said to him in anger just roll off his back, so he figures others are the same way… i know and love both of these people, but at the end of the day, i have a hard time swallowing his excuse to not change his behaviour, considering how much it affects her.

    anyway, after speaking to her today and listening to her cry as she remembers these cruel things said to her, i am even more moved by your song than i thought possible!

    on a happier note, now that i’ve heard it i am completely blown away fawn! all of the comments made are so very true. you have such an incredible voice and a beautiful gift, fawn. thank you for sharing!

    lots of love,

  9. Kara June 1, 2010 at 8:12 pm #

    Absolutely amazing Fawn!!

    And I am glad you didn’t hurt yourself falling over like that!

  10. Tine June 4, 2010 at 1:37 pm #

    Wonderful song 🙂 !! I’m so glad there’s YouTube, so I can listen to it even over here …

    I’m sure the concert was a great sussess 🙂 !!

    Lots of love !!

    ♥ ♥ ♥


  1. Fawnahareo’s Place - December 31, 2010

    […] Performing, falling off stages, you know, yer everyday antics: It’s Not This […]

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