For four days now, I have skipped putting Halia down for her afternoon nap. The first two days, she slept for 12 solid hours. Last night she woke up once at 3 a.m. and wanted some boobing. Tonight I’m hoping for the 12-hour miracle to repeat itself.
Now if I could just get myself to bed at a reasonable hour, I might become a productive member of society again.
No, really, I am sooo happy with my set of problems right now. Balance is a hard thing to find. Working, even half-time, has added a lot to my plate, so that fitting in parenting (single parenting a lot these days, with Michael on the road), keto cooking, music, advocating for Jade, blogging, and sewing are all jostling for attention, and they can’t all win. Or else they do, but then I’m a cranky miss crankerpants to everyone around me. Let’s not even talk about stuff like exercise because that just doesn’t happen.
But even though it is exhausting, it is good. Jade has gone six months seizure-free. (!!!!!) Halia makes magic everywhere she goes. What more could I ask for?
But! Yes. It is exhausting.
I was talking to a good friend the other day; she has two grown sons just a little younger than me, and one of them had some very strict food allergies as a young child, and also required some accommodations when he was going to school. When I talk to her, I feel she understands a lot of what I’m going through now.
“I don’t want to complain,” I said to her. “I know plenty of people who’ve got it a lot harder than I do.”
“Yes,” she said. “That may be. But you can still acknowledge that your life… your situation is a lot harder than most.”
That made me pause. Thank you, friend. Thank you for letting me feel that I am allowed, at least once in a while, to not like being exhausted.
There are lots of reasons why I don’t want to complain, lots of reasons to feel that it’s ungrateful to do so. Everyone lives with the same reality of 24 hours, seven days a week, and the miracle of tasks that expand to fill every last square inch of time.
But maybe today I’ll try not to feel ungrateful just because I’m not glad that Jade has to be on a ketogenic diet. I can be grateful for the miracle it has wrought without liking the daily consequences.
Maybe today I’ll acknowledge that leaving the dishes for tomorrow morning — or even tomorrow night! — might just be the best thing for me to do.
Maybe today I’ll go to bed at a reasonable hour.
(And maybe, just maybe, Halia will sleep through the night.)